What You Live By.TUMBLR

“Bathroom assaults. Terrifying encounters. Women all over America are being attacked and beaten in nightclub and hotel restrooms. How to protect yourself in a public ladies’ room. Information you need to know! Then: swimming with tigers.

— The synopsis for tonight’s poorly timed episode of Inside Edition.

MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson 76550293-G

A lot of you have been raising concerns about the so-called “dangers” of what we’re all doing here. The beancounters told me to tell you that as of today, testing will no longer be as mandatory or as dangerous. That’s not gonna happen, and here’s the reason:

Science isn’t about why, it’s about why not. You ask: Why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won’t hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.

Plus, in the event of your death, I personally guarantee that, thanks to the form you were required to sign this morning, your family will not suffer the indignities of a prolonged and costly legal battle against Aperture Science. Trust me, I am rich, and it is a burden I would not wish on anyone.

Am I hyped for Portal 2? Yes I am.

“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

— Bill Hicks, who died sixteen years ago today.

The Best Thing In My Feed Reader Today

I love the idea that we’re going to collect and leverage massive amounts of intelligence to find awesome pictures of happy ducks.

(The original post, if you’re interested.)

An Attempt To Encapsulate My Experience At Danny Meyer’s Maialino With A Picture From MTV’s “Wonder Showzen”

The episode is here, if you really want to get the reference.

“Picking the right text editor will not make you a better writer. Writing will make you a better writer. Writing, and editing, and publishing, and listening — really listening — to what people say about your writing. This is the golden age for aspiring writers. We have a worldwide communications and distribution network where you can publish anything you want and — if you can manage to get anybody’s attention — get near-instant feedback. Writers just 20 years ago would have killed for that kind of feedback loop. Killed! And you’re asking me what word processor I use? Just fucking write, then publish, then write some more.

— Mark Pilgrim

Everybody’s Coming To Get Me

I think part of the reason that Windows managed to become such a haven for viruses/trojans/malware was that the OS threw so many inexplicable error messages that when things start acting weird, all you could think was “oh, that’s normal for Windows.”

But now, because of my security paranoia, anytime I see error messages that I cannot comprehend, I begin to think my machine’s been compromised.

Long story short: finally “upgraded” (read: wiped and replaced) my WinXP Boot Camp partition to Windows 7. So far, so good.

“If contributing yet another human monkey to this overcrowded world to do nothing with their precious gift of life other than spend it predictably consuming precious resources and blogging about how they think that American Idol is starting to lose it, so they can then grow up to make another unnotable Wal-Mart greeter - if that makes you some sort of hero, then call 911 and tell them I give up.

— David Cross

“All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch, please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record it is my least favorite quality, it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get … but if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing things will happen.

— Conan O’Brien